Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
