I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
