one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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