dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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