Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
