Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
