Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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