I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
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I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
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Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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