I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
