the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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