I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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