Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
