Kiss
Puke
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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