Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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