How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
