The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
