Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
