i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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