You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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