Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
