i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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