My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
