1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
