I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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