how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That accounts for only three of the penises
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
