i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
