I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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