i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
