Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
