I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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