Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
