I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
