I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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