he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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