Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
