please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
