She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
