Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
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The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
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When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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