theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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