Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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