I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
