just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
