I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
