There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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