i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I can't put those talents on a resume
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
