So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
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