im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
