birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
