Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Someone signed my nipple.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
