Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
