I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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