fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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