Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
