Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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