Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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