Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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