my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i wish my penis had a tongue
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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