ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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