You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
